Which is which?

Okay, so in connection to my previous post, I am humbly admitting that I'm not okay. Not okay, wretchedly unhappy, miserable, melancholic, and all other synonyms you could google. 

Just as Rachel Greene would say,

Photo not mine

So yep, that's me. Allow me to exaggerate the line.

"Today, it's like there's rock bottom, 100 feet of crap, loads of chicken ass, then me."

Not to exaggerate my feelings, but I really feel that way. If you read between the lines of my previous post, this problem of mine involves my family. Yes, I'm saying this in a public portal. Then again, get the fuck off my blog if you judge me for posting this.

Last Friday was one of the worst Fridays of my life. Not only did my sin haunt me again, but I had two important people hate on me all the more. I don't know why I'm being pushed too hard. Okay, first of all, I've already admitted my mistake. Why push even harder? When did I ever deny of committing the mistake I did? Yes, I may have made the mistake of possibly thinking that I wasn't the only one who used it? But I still accepted whatever it is. 

This incident reminds me a lot of my childhood. The way person 1 was missing big events in my life, and always being there in person 2's events. It reminded me of how I always came in "second place", or coming in like the second option. I never really put much thought into this until now. A friend suggested I talk to person 1 and address these feelings; but I said no. First, I think person 1 would think it's irrelevant, and second, I don't think it will make a difference. Why? Because whatever I do, whatever I reach in life, whatever good deed, thing, or action I do, I will always be the second best. Okay, I'll accept that. In fact, I'm the second child. So might as well be second in all cases.

For the first time in my life, I thought of running away. Yes, I think I'm that depressed. Then again, I'm not stupid enough to do so as I have no money of my own. Well, sure I have a job, but it still won't be enough. I may sound like a bitchy daughter, but I just can't live alone for now. My condo, bought by my mom, will be ready by next year. With the amount of money stress I have now, I think I'll be able to save a few before that condo is ready. I'm so excited to live alone, because by then I'd be free from all negative vibes. I'll be free from all the comparison, the tag-teams and all that crap. 

I haven't been a perfect daughter, sister, cousin, friend, and girlfriend. But I know myself; and I know I'm better than the things my family think of me. Yes, I spend a lot of time with my friends. I just wonder: did it ever occur to them that most of the time, they make me feel like shit when I'm home? I guess not.