Another (Long) Rant

For quite some time now, I haven’t really been myself. It’s not that I’m trying to pretend to be someone else, but I’m trying to be someone else. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not doing this to get attention. It’s just that some flaws I have are too much for the people around me and I have no choice but to try to fix it, at the very least.

Since I decided to blog this out anyway, then I’d share at least 70% information about it.

Truth is: I grew up a happy kid. My family is not perfect but not broken, I have an annoying brother (cause brothers are born to annoy and love you), sweet, loving and caring parents & grandparents, good friends, a dozen of Barbie dolls, toys, clothes, shoes, extravagant share of travel, and everything a person could ever desire. I had a pretty comfortable life. I never experienced riding a jeep until my high school friends taught me. Technically, there’s nothing more in this life I could ask for. 

I never learned how to save money, probably because it was always there when I needed it. I practiced saving money when I was a senior in high school because I wanted to buy myself a Fall Out Boy Concert ticket. I managed to save enough money from my allowance to buy me that ticket. Up to this day, I think that ticket was the only thing I have bought using “saved” money. My college allowance was pretty generous, so I would go out a lot and buy me a bunch of unnecessary things. But then again, I was in college. I didn’t have any responsibilities.

I’m turning 24 this year, I’m almost 2 years old at my current job, but it’s very sad that I don’t have any savings. For a first/entry level job, my job pays pretty well. For the rate of the lifestyle I got used to, my salary is far from enough. My salary should be enough for myself. Then again, I lived a pretty luxurious life. Since I started working, my parents never asked me to pay for anything. I’m the youngest in the family therefore I don’t have a sibling to support. How come I cannot get myself to save up a little money?

People around me would always ask me why I’m working given that I don’t like my job, I want to start my own business, and that I don’t need to. I would always answer in return, “Well, whatever wealth you think I have is not mine. I didn’t work for that; my parents did. Therefore I believe that I’d want to have that self-respect knowing that I can do it on my own, and that it is my money. My achievement. Yes, I’d like to have my own business. In fact, it’s going to open pretty soon. The thing is: where did I get the money to start up that business? Until the day I finish “paying” my parents for the capital, I still have this tiny devil in my head that keeps on saying, “this is not your business”.” That’s my reason.

Back to the main reason why I started this entry: If it’s not that obvious, I don’t know how to handle money. I can be good for a while, and then lose the money I have to unnecessary things such as alcohol, cigarettes, clothes, shoes, bags, wallets, watches, lipsticks, pens, and the likes (thank God I’m not into illegal stuff, if you know what I mean). My concern is the fact that I’ve become too capricious that I, though unintentional, used a certain amount of money that I shouldn’t have. It’s really tempting, trust me. Right now, I got rid of this dreadful and sinful “card” that led to this shitload of greed. I’m trying to live a different life for almost three weeks now. “Different” meaning live by my salary, and let go of the few luxuries I have in life.

How hard/easy is it to switch from being careless to careful? In some cases, I find myself in deep paranoia that I’d have to spend Php500 for gas, but don’t mind buying two packs of cigarettes (Php 72 each. I don’t smoke the two packs in a day; I just hate it I lose stocks in my bag) plus candy (Mentos Spearmint, Php24 each). How come I don’t mind paying for my Starbucks coffee (Php 160), but be very careful in spending for a meal worth Php90? This is my point… I really, really, really have to be simple in all ways possible. I have to let go of the unnecessary things I spend my money on. Why go for Starbucks, when I can get a Php 20 worth of coffee which tastes relatively good, and has the same effect? Why buy two packs of cigarettes, when I can buy one, and save money, and my lungs? Why spend Php 2000 on gas in a week, when I can spend less if I ride the train?

This has been a long entry already, but I guess there are just a lot of things in my head and I cannot control myself, just as hard as I couldn’t control my spending.